Wednesday, July 11, 2012

I feel grateful.

For the people in my life who loves me, and hurt me. Cuz every single one of you have moulded me into who I am today.

I'm an easily contented person. And I'm truly grateful for having 3 homes i can go back to, as well as a sweet husband i vow to take care of all of my life. Yup I wanna take care of him, and of course I want him to do the same thing as well. One sided love would be too tiring ain't it?

We've moved in last friday into our love nest. It felt funny and weird... We did only one trip with just the 2 of us after dinner. And we finished unpacking immediately after that.

Totally felt like we're staying in a chalet even till now. On saturday, we went out for grocery shopping and lunch. Dan came back home and went out after a call to help his friend run an errand.

He was supposed to whip up birthday dinner for me but I was happy to do it anyway. I spent the afternoon watching TV and making roasted asparagus and mushrooms and baked potato skins.

It was also my first time searing a steak. And I succeeded! It turned out a perfect medium rare! I was totally amazed =) and absolutely delighted!

The happy boy then came back home to a lovely ribeye steak for dinner and leftover moscato from girls' night in on thursday night.

And then we moved to cake cutting with the chocolate cake he bought from Bukit Timah and failed to keep as a surprise. Haha~

On Monday, Dan and i met up with Yixian and Sandy for dinner in Shabu no Koya again at Liang Court. When we were at Mohamed Sultan, we went into The Patisserie and Yixian got me to pick my own cake. Haha~ Well, she said no more romancing cuz we've all known each other too well heheh.

Dinner was awesome. With the whole new pork bone broth, the experience was amazing! And we were all super full but my birthday cake was just too good to miss.

I'll definitely get the cake again! Haha and i dun wanna even find an excuse to have a cake hee =)

Last night after work, Dan came and fetched me home. He brought home a surprise for me too. Mother in-law specially cooked red wine chicken mee sua for me. Complete with 2 hard boiled eggs. It totally slipped my mind that I used to have mee sua with egg every year for birthday.

It was such a pleasant surprise. She didn't even cook red wine chicken for the entire family, it was for me, specially =) haha I love it so much as usual hee.

And I really do feel so loved. Especially by my 2 sisters as well. They might as well be my real sisters haha. Love u girls! And love u Dan, the man of my life!

Posted by reticent_aura at 7/11/2012 05:28:00 PM

Sunday, July 01, 2012

It feels like.....

Having mixed feelings about certain stuff. It's this situation whereby you wish it could be better, and also you wish you've got an alternative.

Yesterday I had an awesome time with Dan's family. We got up early to prepare some ingredients for the DIY popiah session. The session always turn out great but probably i had yoo high expectations of myself.

I wanna look good in front of my husband's family. Maybe that's why sometimes i put such great pressure on myself, i just don't feel like i've stepped up to the game. Just feels weird, im not so happy with my 'performance' yesterday, but i don't know which way i can do better as well. FYI, nth went wrong, it just feels inadequate.

Then i start to think of stupid thoughts like 'Crap, my apartment is so small, it's so difficult to play xbox kinetic smoothly or damn it, it's difficult to have everyone sit down nicely and enjoy durians or god, why didn't i choose a better and not so filmsy dining table.'

Then at the end of the night, I told myself - Fuck it, this is who i am. And this is the best i can do now currently. I dun want to put on a charade, but i just can't help it.

I like my husband's family. They're a happy go lucky bunch who always laugh alot and knows how to have fun.

But i really do yearn for my own kins so so pretty damn much. They do not laugh as much, in fact they worry alot about money all the time due to circumstances. But when i did have fun with them, those were the best days of my entire life. Dan's family really treats me very well, but, there's always a but. I do not grow up with them, im still getting to know them better each day. I find myself never ever being able to pull our relationship closer than this. As much as I dislike my own dad, I'll still help him out whenever i can. As much as i hate to see my mum being moody, my face still lights up when i see her and i really do love her alot.

Let's put this in another context. It's like u being in a relationship with a person yet it's just very mundane. And all along, maybe in a corner of ur heart, u still feel the tug of ur heart when u see ur first love or that special person ur heart beats wildly for. That's where my family stands.

I feel different this time round. I can't wait to live on my own with Dan now. And I wouldn't cry the first night im away from my own home this time. Because, this IS my real home now.

Posted by reticent_aura at 7/01/2012 11:56:00 AM

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Being stupid

You do not remember any sayings or facts of life until 你碰了一鼻子灰.

Only then that you'll wake up with a jolt and tell yourself there's no point.

Now I realised something - It really does take 2 hands to clap. If I've tried so very hard to want to connect with you and to understand you yet you just kept shutting me out. I should really just get the signal and get out of your life. Now I really feel silly. Why should I make myself seem so desperate and try to win back your friendship when you are not even trying, or in the very least interested.

Oh well, I only can tell myself I've really tried. And I give up. Or I've already given up couple of months ago. I'm still very much happy in my life, with really true friends. =)

Posted by reticent_aura at 6/14/2012 11:11:00 AM

Friday, June 08, 2012


Posted by reticent_aura at 6/08/2012 01:28:00 PM


Posted by reticent_aura at 6/08/2012 10:50:00 AM

Thursday, June 07, 2012

Life's a bed of roses?


First it was sparked off in the aftenoon when Dan told me a piece of bad news. That the siren red solid surface cabinet top for our kitchen cannot be used at all cuz it's very patchy this ended up 2 tone therefore we have to pick white color. Sad.... Cuz I really did wanted it so so bad...

Couple of hours later Chris called me for a chat. Lately my family's just kept having hurdles one after another.. Mainly due to money.

Huixuan just came into this world couple of weeks ago. Chris had a major setback cuz he ran into really tight financial status. Since he's the breadwinner of the family, obviously the family will just have to tide things through.

We rented a decent place in AMK for almost a year now based on a monthly rental fee of $2100. It got more and more strenuous when Chris didn't have an income and lost quite of money investing in gold. After some time the family's expenses wiped out his savings. And it didn't help that my sister in-law wasn't that keen on helping when it comes to money.

He started to run dry and turned to me for help, which of course I'll be glad to.
But these couple of month, especially this month, Dan and I are running dry of cash. We've paid a total of about $50 k in cash for renovation and also for furnishings. Moreover we lent quite of money to a friend who really needs it. We're just barely pulling it through and Chris told me sadly he needs somemore to tide him over before our 1 year lease ends. As the landlord is refusing to draft up a new lease for us now unless we pay up the remainder.

After I hung up the phone, I was really fighting back my tears. My brother whom I'm really close to has never really bow down and asked me for money before. The last couple of times was when i egged him on cuz I know he really needs it. He, as a grown up man have fulfilled his responsibility to take extremely good care of the family for a pretty long time. And it really hurts me to see him this way. My heart really goes out to him. And finally when there's no one else in the shop at 6 plus, I broke down. And finally I was able to release my emotions...

I'm determined to help them cuz they're my only kins. I'll really do whatever it takes me to. Frankly this has been on my mind for months - To get them to stay together with Dan and me in our new place before they buy an apartment. But I've never brought it up to Dan. Because I myself is apprehensive. I really do not know what to do...

I guess time will tell... The only happy thing is that at least my family members are rather healthy. Except with my mum having cataract and would be going for the operation end of July.

Posted by reticent_aura at 6/07/2012 09:15:00 PM

Tuesday, June 05, 2012

The Past 1 Year

Haven't touch this arena for the past 1 year. And I felt bad for leaving it on a bad note. Been forever wanting to get on it but just didn't really get down to it.

Many events happened in the past year, mostly happy ones but one extremely disheartening one.

I felt like I've seen the worst of people in this one year. Of a lost friend, of 2 actually.

It didn't feel good at all, especially in the case of a decade old friend. Not really just a friend.

She's really more of a soulmate to me actually. Felt very close to her, being able to really have heart to heart talks. And then she felt disconnected. But she have never once brought it up. The rest of us felt nothing but absence even when she's physically with us. Not really willing to engage with us and occasionally threw tantrums at us on whatsapp. Probably she didn't feel tht she's changed her attitude towards us, but it's really obvious.

Felt so upset. Really felt worst than even a breakup with a guy. Cuz we, as women are connected in so much more ways. I was the one who made it ugly. But why, why can't you just bring it up each and everytime instead of having to keep it all in and then suddenly realised you're disconnected? Wouldn't it be worst?

Even though it happened exactly 6 months ago it's still very fresh in my mind. I'm sorry but I do not expect any less from you cuz you're just not a simple hi-bye acquaintance to me. It hurts like hell really. And stupid me moaned over the loss of a friendship for a freaking few days, crying like some stupid freak. Did you even feel anything?

In any case, I guess it just wouldn't be the same anymore. And I've tried very hard, to connect with her yet now I'm jaded. I'm not gonna try anymore. Have even gotten a nice gift for her from my honeymoon yet she didn't even bother to meet up with Sandy for 2 min in the office lobby. Amazing how fast someone can turn their backs in you.

I can only say, Trio was once formed before in my poly days and it'll always exist forever in my life. That's that. I can do anything for my friends and now there's only 2 great girls but it's more than enough. I'm still truly grateful!

I'm a little sad I didn't follow up on the preparation of my big day last year. But in any case I'm totally psyched about moving in before my birthday this year! Into a place my husband Dan and me call our own. Yay!

So surreal, felt like yesterday when we just collected our keys and now the renovation work's going to be completed on the 15th! We've spent all of our savings on it and incurred a debt. Reason cuz we lent a sum of money to a friend in need. But it's alright, we're still good to go!

Can't wait to invite our families over as well as friends! =)

Posted by reticent_aura at 6/05/2012 11:48:00 AM